My thoughts

A loss, no matter how big or small is still a loss.  It will have some sort of impact on your life.  I have suffered what I consider a major loss.  I have lost two unborn children… Miscarriage is a difficult thing for any woman to endure, especially a woman that has the complete desire to be a parent.  A woman that dreams everyday to feel her child growing in her belly and to one day hold that child close in her arms.  A woman that gets flips in her heart at the sight of every baby or small child around.  I am this woman.  I have for so long yearned to have a baby of my own.  A child to love unconditionally.  My heart aches so deeply at this tremendous loss.  But not only have I endured this loss once, I have suffered twice.  Just last year I remember the day I found out I was pregnant.  I was so overjoyed with laughter and excitement.  I couldn’t wait to call everyone I knew to tell them my exciting news.  I thought I was finally going to have my chance to be a parent.  Well only a few short weeks after that day was I completely devastated.  A day that will haunt me for the rest of my life.  Only I did not know then that I would have two of those days that would haunt me forever.  The difference in the day of the first miscarriage is…it was my birthday.  Well happy fucking birthday to me!!! I get to always remember my 31st birthday as the day I lost my unborn child.  Now only a year later am I suffering such a familiar loss.  Only this time I didn’t have the pleasure of going to the hospital for a surgical procedure to remove the “bad egg” from my womb.  This time I went to bathroom and there in my underpants lies my dead baby.  The sight of the miscarried sac was too much to bare.  My eyes welled with tears.  My heart filled with utter pain.  My head swimming with confusion.  And all I can say is “why?” Why has this happened to me again, I wonder? 

I think back to everything I have done in my past that I could have been being punished for.  I think of every little sin that I have commited in the past 31 years.  I even think about everything that I could have accidentally done wrong before finding out I was pregnant.  Like eating fish or having that glass of red wine.  Have I done this to myself?, I think.  Am I that terrible of a person that I deserve to be punished in such a way?  

After much prayer and soul searching, I realize that I have done nothing wrong.  These things happen.  Even though this has been a traumatic and heart wrenching experience, I will grow and become stronger from it.  My appreciation for motherhood will only grow.  My desire to become a mother has only deepend.  My heart is indeed fragile at this time, however one day I know I will be blessed to feel my child growing in my belly.  And my heart is ready to open and love a child completely and forever.      

Why is it so difficult to get some people out of our lives?  Why won’t some people just go away? Sometimes we have to get rid of the negative forces in our lives.  Some people are not good for us.  Then there are those who are just plain annoying.  There are those who just get on our nerves.  Whatever the reason to de-friend, it’s not always as easy as it seems.  Especially old childhood friends.  There’s always that guilt to stop being friends with someone you’ve known since you were 12.  But why? Why should you feel bad because you grow up and become different people than you were when you were 12.  It is indeed possible to grow, mature and change.  What if you have matured and the friend you’ve known since childhood is stuck in that childhood mentality?  What if you no longer have any of the same things in common?  Or what if that old kid pal is just not a good friend to you?  Why should you keep someone like that in your life?  What’s the point?  There is none.  There is no reason to waste your time with people that are no good to or for you.  You have the right to quit toxic people.  It’s okay to de-friend the bad ones, because they are not truly your friend anyway.

So I’m trying to figure out this blog thing.  I’m a bit lazy at expressing my thoughts on a regular basis. I’m more of a one hit wonder.  My life seems so simple to me but yet may be interesting to someome eles.  Who, I’ll never know but it’s cool to ponder this thought.  When I started this blog, I was really trying to release some anger from personal incidents that had recently occured.  Now I want to try to keep it up even though nothing good has occured as of late.  But what shall I talk about?  Who will read? Even if no one reads it will be thearaputic to me.  So this is my blog…